back in the old days i invented a way to send myself coded messages.
i thought (and still think) it's pretty clever, because that's what i always think: that i'm a pretty clever (and highly humble) kind of guy.
i shall now interpret for you, dear reader, one of the messages that i was sending. please be advised that this contains spoilers, both of The Movies in addition to My Life.
launcelot, in the forest, his sword in his side.
referring, of course, to the scene in excalibur where launcelot, in a dream, fights against himself, and, in order to remain on the path which he feels is just, wounds himself.
at the time i posted that, i felt that i was in a similar situation: fighting against myself in order to supress what i wished to do
and stick with what i felt was right. ultimately (i.e. very recently), i conceded that what i felt was "right" was actually very far from it.
max, in the bathroom, his drill in his hand. max, in the park, a smile on his face.
This one's from Pi, which, to this day, remains un-viewed by some of my favorite peoples.
(SPOILER WARNING)
At the end of the film, Max, the main character, solves his problems via cranial self-mutilation. He removes all his worries, all his doubts, all his fears and anxieties and paranoia and all his proclivities to think too much with a simple, direct, and highly effective drill to the brain. In the end it is shown that without his higher mental functions, he's a much happier guy.
I wanted to shut off the little voices that told me that while I was happy, what I was doing was wrong. I wanted (without the drilling) to be happy and content and not have the little voices of doubt constantly nagging away at me.
i didn't trust those voices back then, but it turns out they were right. i trust them quite a lot more now.
and that brings me to my point: i'm still hearing them. but they're saying very different things these days.
back then they were concentrating on my ongoing inner problems: doubt, possible (and conscious, intentional) self-deception, goals, worries about shared interests, shared values, shared outlook.
now they've shut up about all that. they're perfectly satisfied with all the inner stuff and they're focusing on the outer stuff. you know, reality. that which does not go away when you stop believing in it.
distance.
that's what they're whining about now.
and who has to give something up.
and how the giver-upper is going to feel about that in the long run.
you know, real solid, practical, hard problems. the kind that have nothing to do with doubting whether you're really in love. the kind that elicit potential solutions that suggest that perhaps you are.
but potential solutions are only potential. and problems generate fears and fears do not dissipate in the presence of separation.
neither does hope.
this has turned melancholy when it was meant to be hopeful. i'll put my good face back on and wrap things up. So, for today's Darmok's DVD (which, tragically, returns us to melancholy since it's the fisrt DVD scene that solidified in my mind) :
Pris, on the floor. Pris, thrashing.
enjoy.
