chinatown

hops and i spent yesterday afternoon in chinatown in search of some chinese (duh) tea equipment. by one coincidence or another, we ended up in Vital Tea Leaf, a "tea bar" run by the craziest old man in Chinatown, "Uncle". It turns out (thanks google!) he's well known to the locals, and the riotously funny firehose of profanities, sexual innuendo, and booming orders that he directed at us was not outside his normal daily activity.

we looked at the teapots, found none we liked, and as we left, he shouted at us, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND HAVE SOME TEA, IT WILL MAKE YOU YOUNGER AND GOD DAMN SEXIER!"

From there on, he imparted important lessons about how i should deal with hops during that "difficult time of the month" (hint: LIE), how hops should never drink coffee because some day she will take her shirt off in front of a mirror and be all wrinkled. He demanded that we guess his age (hops: 50, me: 200), and he claimed 78, which, I guess is how he looks in the sfgate picture, but to be fair to Uncle, in person he looks (and acts) much younger. The first infusion of tea we should give to our unwanted guests, and in China, short women carry cows on their backs through tea fields to make Milk Oolong.

There was much eye-rolling by his daughter and her fellow coworkers.

While we sat and participated (non-participation is not an option) in his hysterical rants, he shouted at and cajoled passers by ("DON'T STAND IN MY GOD DAMN DOORWAY, COME INSIDE, SIT DOWN, HAVE TEA, IT WILL MAKE YOU GOD DAMN SEXIER!"), with surprising success. Several repeat customers came by for more of the same.

"COME INSIDE, HAVE TEA, IT WILL MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND GOD DAMN SEXIER, YOU DON'T NEED ANY", he shouted at one couple.

Uncle did not prepare the tea in a manner that I would call "carefully", nor would I describe his performance as "stingy", we got a lot of free tea. But mostly, it was all about the performance. we left with some teacups and some ginseng tea for hops, who isn't quitting coffee no matter how wrinkled it makes her. i had felt a little dumb mail ordering tea from chinatown, but after the day's travel to actually get to and from chinatown, i figure that the 8 bucks i paid in shipping was actually a bargain. still, the next time i'm in chinatown, i'm sure i'll stop by to see Uncle.