it stinks!

as part of my Evenings Of Boredom program, i've been watching movies from my collection. it's been rather startling to notice a couple of things: a lot of the movies I thought were good are actually crap. For example:

- Star Wars : Such poor direction! The character of Darth Vader changes dramatically throughout the movie, from fast-talking, shouty, and corny to sinister, to comical ("watt?!?!"). leia has an accent that fades over the course of the movie. you know all about lucas' edits, and i can't fault the movie for those since my brain blanks them out. the light saber fight is geriatric and lame, and there's no excuse for that other than lazy direction. 90% of the lines are corny at best. Since I never saw this in theaters as a kid, or, if I did, I was too young to remember it, I'm not plagued by the nostalgia that would make me fondly remember it.

- The Matrix : I did see this in the theater, and I am plagued by the nostalgia to fondly remember it. Actually, I hated it in the theater, but for different reasons than I dislike it now. I used to joke that I alternated between liking and hating the movie every time I saw it. I suppose next time I'll like it. The problems: it's not just that Neo delivers his lines like a braindead surfer, it's that everyone delivers their lines like Keanu Reeves. Look, I know bad writing. If I want to experience stuffy, pretentious, condescendingly-delivered writing all I need to do is read my blog. While the what I am saying is very important and you can tell that because I'm saying it so slowly routine does work, it can't work if you do it for every single line. not to mention if every freakin character is doing it! the leatherclad nerds going to hipster dance parties was done better the year before by blade. the undeveloped extras (that skinny blond woman? what's her name?) are distracting.

Unbreakable : I used to think this movie was extraordinary. I used to think it was proof that Shamalamadingdong wasn't a total jerkwad, despite all the crap he's piled on us before and after. Whelp, somehow I missed a couple details. For example: If I wanted to see Samuel L. Jackson play Jules Winnfield, I'd watch Pulp Fiction. Sure, he was a mostly distinct character... until he busted out with the "Does this look like a toy store/Do I look like I want to be fucked"? speech. Right. Nice and unique. Then, we've got Bruce Willis the superstrong superhero bench pressing... 350! Aye, that's more than I can bench press, but I'm wimpy, and if you want to talk about bench pressing, a decent powerlifter Bruce Willis' size can do hundreds of pounds more than that. A superhero should be able to do better. I still like the paradox of who created what, but ultimately, not even the plot can deliver more than a "huh, that's neat".

looking at my thoughts, I'd think that if I were just being cranky, I'd have less actual criticism and more general bashing. but no, i have specific nits to pick, and i think it's because these movies are actually lame. bleah.