i'd make a lousy buddhist

there was a spider in the shower this morning, a really big spider. so big that looking at him, I could tell my SOP for spiders in the shower would be inadequate: his body was so large that he would not fit through the pea-sized holes in my shower drain.

fortunately, there were chemical weapons at hand. i grabbed the lysol anti-mildew shower cleaner (on sale at target!) with the assumption that bleach can't be much better for spiders than it is for mildew, puppies, or humans, and applied the aerosolized poison about as liberally as i do to my other hated enemy, mildew.

Injured and weakened, the spider advanced toward the end of the tub, which is to say, he rushed me. I buffetted him with even more bleachy goodness, and when that didn't slow him down, i turned on the shower. Eventually he got stuck in the mess of hair that was stuck in the drain, and though I suppose the water rinsed off the bleach, spiders can do one thing that mold can't: drown.

Not only did I feel no remorse at this unprovoked massacre of a helpless spider, i felt as if I was doing my duty as a member of the human race. Right behind mold, I view spiders as the irreconcilable mortal enemy of all humanity. Sure, they gobble up some bugs that are even more unsavory, but every once in a while, those fuckers (speaking of fuckers, I keep on seeing the San Mateo County Mosquito Abatement Jeep driving around my hood when I run, and every time I see him, I want to shout out to him, pumping my fist in the air, "Yeah! Abate those motherfuckers!" but I never quite get close enough and I also don't want to shout "motherfuckers" in the middle of my hood at strangers while people are taking their kids to school) crawl into your ear while you're asleep or gnaw on your leg and leave a monthlong giant welt that maybe becomes so badly infected you have to go gross out your doctor and get on some really harsh medications. That's happened to me, my bro, and rather not too few other people I know.

No mercy.