balanced force

i've had a lot to say in the past about unbalanced force, usually referencing an obscure bit of kabbalah that even i can't quite really remember. but that doesn't matter, because i've taken its meaning from whatever source it originally had and made it part of my personal mythology/religion.

the magician strives to balance the elements within himself. my SVB was becoming frayed, so I re-wrapped it with fire.

unbalanced force leads the magician, weighing him down, dragging him in the direction of the force, consuming him. unbalanced fire is tyranny. unbalanced water is inaction.

unbalanced intellect is bored.

in the past, i was unbalanced force and i though i knew it, i did not understand what it meant:

i am ruled from edom
my kingdom is unbalanced force
for how long can i be still?

my desires and my goals and my dreams and my plans all pulled me in different directions. they were not in balance (or even counterbalance) and because of this, like a sailboat not balancing the opposing forces of wind and water, i floundered -- moving, to be sure, but not with efficiency or smoothness.

nowadays, i have less time for reflection (and alas, writing), because i'm too busy balancing forces. and that is precisely what it is: in the past, weightlifting balanced my slothfulness, until it itself became unbalanced and began to exert influence over other areas of my life. i couldn't eat too late because it would throw off my workouts, i couldn't do this or that because it would cut into recovery. and now, i have learned: the riddle of steel. what is the sword, to the hand that wields it?

what is strengh, a difficult squat, a hard climb, a long run: to the life within which it occurs?

so much lost time
so much conflict
i am not an octopus, but i need to be
i am not an encyclopedia, but i need to be
i am not a human, but i need to be

i am an octopus, but to be a successful one, each of my arms must balance and counterbalance the others, else i tear myself apart. lost time, conflicts: these bring the insight to balance on the edge of an encyclopedia.

what good is a 400lb squat if i can't enjoy ice cream?

what good is a mountaintop if i have no one who can understand it?

in the morning: coffee

in the evening: tequila

sometimes lift, sometimes climb. no more shall one or the other lead me to the unbalanced, unrestrained growth of tetsuo. and like a good and proper stem, the balanced forces of a lived life propel me in the direction i want to go.