i love you mister spock, but you're not always right

mister spock had this parting gift for his romantic rival in that episode where he kills captain kirk:

After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.

having wanted, having had, and finding myself again wanting, i can honestly disagree with mister spock.

the initial wanting was indeed a pleasing thing, but now, the constant wanting holds no candle to even the memories of past having.

my mind is a silly place, full of needless worries and long-ranging anticipation, logic traps and weird justifications. i thought this morning about the way i came to the decision to propose, and i had to smile at my own contortions of rationalization -- none of which i regret or suspect were in error. still, documenting them someday may be amusing.

but the point (well, a point, at least), dear reader, is that i am objectively and demonstrably better in her presence. not just the usual love stuff where i have a smile all the time and have someone to hold. no, i clear the table and am nice to my brother. that kind of stuff, and much, much more, all easily observable by those that know me.

and so again i find myself wanting, and it is not pleasing in any way, because, as my secret heart told her back when the wanting was somewhat pleasant (because it was a wanting of hope and not a wanting of loss), without her, i am diminished. the having will return, and then the wanting again. someday it will be over and i can step off the yoyo.