just how fulla crap am i, after all?

"so, maybe i'm not worth it all, huh?" she asked, or something to that effect, in reference to the second in two months outrageous phone bill.

she was joking, i hope, i know, but i liked the question.

once upon a time, i said the following brilliant crap:

a purpose of life: to answer the question "what kind of person am i?"


one may think that one knows the answer, but if one is honest, one
will find that one does not know the answer until one is forced to
make a choice.

the 203 related costs are piling up. in addition to the phone bill there's the airline costs, rental cars, hotels, restaurants, postage (heh), and a huge cost in my time.

i'm finding out something important in the only way i could: am i the type of guy that will put 203 before my financials?

can i really let go as i've always hoped i could?

can i say, in all honesty, "think nothing of it?" am i generous?

a dent is being put in my finances. it's not big compared to the finances themselves. it's big compared to any previous dents. it's noticeable. it doesn't help that my stock portfolio is simultaneously taking a crap. it's on my mind.

and it doesn't matter. no, really. it doesn't. i think nothing of it.

and i have proof. it's not like i'm tipping at my favorite restaurant. it's not like i'm putting money into the hands of people i like. i'm enriching those that i find most odious: cingular, united, the usps. okay, actually, i've always liked the usps. but i despise the telcos and the airlines. i don't like paying $150 for a hotel room when i could sleep with the (hypothetical) roaches for $50.

but i think nothing of it. a grand in airfare, restaurants, and hotels to spend a weekend with 203 instead of waiting an extra month to see her? well, i've got a grand sitting right there in my savings account, what better use for it than to turn it into a visit with the one i love?

at some point, i may "wake up," as 203 fears, but it will be a re-awakening into fiscal responsibility (which i have not entirely neglected), not the awakening she means.

what's the point?

i've always wanted to be free from the concerns of money, or at least know if i could be free, or if it's just my personality to worry (rightfully so (but maybe that's just my personality)) about providing for the future above all else. i'm experiencing that freedom, not only by spending, but by forking over wads of dough to organizations that i hates. it's good to know i can do that.

'cuz as i keep threatening, someday we may have to live on little or no income.

yeah, 203, you're worth it, for any value of "it" that you or i could think up.