feelings are complicated, or: booze haze profundities

a lot of the time i have proto-thoughts swirling around in my brain fog. partially formed ideas just waiting for combination with their counterparts and expression into words. occasionally, if they get lucky, they'll get written down and explored. sometimes these things bounce around in there for ages before i notice them. i grasped at one last night, and now i'm going to give a shot at expounding on it because i find it interesting. YMMV.

executive summary and topic set: i admire and adore 203. i find these two impulses to be delightfully conflicting.

i admire 203. i talked a little about that here. she's an amazing person with skills, drive, attitude, outlook, intelligence, and humor: all of which i find not only advanced, but properly aligned. in other words, i personally aspire to be like her in many ways. she's a role model for me. she shows me the way. how about that?

but i'm no bumbling baby, myself. if i were, there'd be no relationship here. i've got skills, drive, attitude, outlook, intelligence, and humor as well, and they've mostly got good vectors. i've got room to grow, but so does she, and so does everyone. but here's the thing: from early on (and i mean early) in our relationship, i admired her as i have admired very few people before. in fact, when i look upon the set of people for whom i felt a similar sense of awe, the short list really only has one member, and because of this, i think i can pinpoint what it is about her that has me in awe: she no only has but -- for me -- embodies the courage to tackle life that i always felt i lacked. until shortly before i met her, i stumbled through life, going through the motions, doing what i thought others wanted of me. quoth early metallica:

you only live once
you take all of the chances
don't end up like others
same song and dance

i knew, deep down somewhere, that this was how i wanted to live, but somehow i never got around to it. i'm getting around to it. again, if i weren't, there'd be no relationship. if she didn't know, deep down somewhere, that this trend in me is increasing, again, there'd be no relationship. she doesn't want a potato. i don't want to be a potato. she won't let me be a potato, but she won't have to not let me be a potato, because i ain't gonna be a potato.

now, while i was thinking about this "adventurous spirit" kinda dealy-o that i so admire and so desire, in myself, and in my mate, it occured to me that i know a-plenty of people with "adventurous spirit" but do not admire them in the same way that i admire 203 (and, if we wish to isolate this admiration, we can zip back to june 25 of last year when my admiration of her was yet unclouded by love for her, though, to be honest, the admiration at that time was clouded by many other emotions, foremost among them the exitement of making a new friend, especially one that i so... uhm... admired).

when we met, we immediately recognized that we understood one another in ways that our other friends did not understand us. some of those ways were insignificant. over time, we found ways which were not insignificant.

but back to what i was blabbing about a moment ago: that she captures my admiration in ways which my other adventurous acquaintences do not. the crux of it is this: between she and steak-and-mayonnaise, i know only two people that i would classify as true adventurers, real explorers of life, who have no fear of throwing it all away and starting over -- who actually understand what "it" is that they're throwing away, and yet do it anyway.

living with eyes open.

it has always been my aspiration but i never found the courage to separate myself from the easy life and become a bold adventurer. i do so in little ways around the edges and corners of my life. perhaps i'll unhinge myself and go all the way. maybe, perhaps, perchance -- who cares? this post isn't about my future, it's about my feelings.

it's about the conflict between the admiration, which i have now explored as fully as i intend to this morning, and the adoration, which i will presently commence to investigate.

i adore her. that word comes to mind (chiefly because she re-introduced it into my consciousness by using it at me) but i'm not positive it's the right word. webster says it means:

1 : to worship or honor as a deity or as divine
2 : to regard with loving admiration and devotion
3 : to be very fond of

if you slogged through the above, you'll perhaps realize that my words were words of adoration in the sense of #2 for sure, and possibly, dangerously, in the sense of #1. #1 is my personal problem, i tend to dulcinaeize (to coin a phrase) my love interest. being the self-analytical OC type that I am, however, i long ago decided that this was safe in this instance, on account of there's so much else there in our relationship that when my quixotic illusions fade, i won't be left stranded. i'll still be smiling, perhaps even more than before.

:)

here is the central nougat of the interesting (in my mind) part of the thought that i'm nearly about to put into words: the worshipful admiration, the idolization of the qualities in her to which i aspire, the elevation of her to role-model status are totally at odds with my adoration -- my loving fondness -- of her. the former absolutely tend to put her on an unreachable pedestal. after all, who can compete with or even touch their role model? very few. how many aspiring golfers will meet tiger woods? how many bodybuilders will lift with arnold? how many trust fund babies will ever get to snort coke with GWB?

and yet my adoration is most powerfully expressed in close proximity to her. touching, physically loving, helping, pointing things out, admiring. there is nothing at all remote about the way in which i lovingly adore my beautiful 203, even when we're separated by 1400 cruel miles.

and so i find myself in the somewhat bizarre position of being loved by my role model. of being, even, in some ways, admirable to my role model. and i find myself, also, realizing: this is how it must be. there is no other way i can survive in a relationship. i need to be loved by someone that i find incredible, even awesome, in the pre-80s sense of the word. and this brings me to a final point: there is nothing better in the world than to be loved my one that i find to be more amazing than me. hubritic (to coin a term!) as that may sound, there it is. to whatever extent i consider myself amazing, i consider her moreso, and the notion that nonetheless she loves lil' ol' me is mind-blowing.

(it's also, unfortunately, largely responsible for the large (but likely necessary) delay in our getting-together.)

so that's it. i dunno if this is any more clear than the brain-fog version, but to sum it up in two sentences (i tried one but failed):

i am in love with someone i find to be more perfect than myself, and the notion that she loves me and finds things in me to admire is so mind-blowingly amazing that the sky looks bluer and the grass looks greener, even when she's not around. to simultaneously worship as pedestalized and adore as lovable (with joyous imperfections and laughter moments) the same person (even the same personal qualities!) is disconcerting to rationality, but ultimately necessary in any lasting relationship that i wish to have.

this is the one i wish to have. i sure lucked out.