that's more AP posts than i've had in a year

i'm a thinky kinda guy.

but i'm also a "man of action", in some ways.

i use the action to squelch the thinky. sometimes that works out well for me. sometimes it does not.

i know what it is that i want in a mate. i knew it since day one but i squelched the thinky for a while. now i have to do a slightly different thing to the thinky: i have to combat it with patience and faith. that's a new one.

i was looking, away back when, for energy, joy, extroversion, and a nice ass, all of which would be used to draw the same out of me, thus providing the both of us with the opportunity to live happily ever after, preferably together. that was my master plan. my secret and not-so-secret plan.

things have worked out, and they haven't. see, those qualities which i was relying lazily upon my mate to draw out of me rather require said mate to be... ya know... nearby. that's just not going to happen for a bit, a good bit, not so big a bit when compared to the span of my life until now, potentially a big bit when compared to the rest of my life, since who knows how long that will be? the fear of untimely death is always upon me.

better now than never, and never may very well be tomorrow, so really really better now.

i've found that when i'm alone i get thinky. really thinky. sometimes that works out for me, sometimes not.

the thought has not occurred to me, even in the thinkiest of thinky moments, that this thing is not worth my time.

that doesn't make it much easier, though. i guess that's where the faith comes in. but i've never had much faith in faith.

waiting changes all things, because time changes all things, and waiting is nothing more than allowing time to change things.

i fear that after the wait, perhaps the energy, joy, extroversion, and nice ass may fade.

but is it not equally likely that the same amount of time will bring about plenty-o-change in me, and perhaps by that time, these things will not matter as much to me (except the ass, that's not gonna change)? in time, my wish for someone to help bring these things out in me may seem silly. even now, it seems a little silly, having seen what i can pull out of myself without aid.

this has all been an exceptionally long winded way of saying the very simple: i miss her, quite a lot. i miss being a man of action, just as when i was a man of action i missed the words.

well, now i've got my words and i'd much rather have her.

and that's the point of AP. lots of words, and nothing to show for them but sore fingers.