it's starting to sink in

i've long held (though never mentioned) that the most successful person in the world is the one who believes his own bullshit.

likewise, the most dangerous person in the world is the one who believes his own bullshit.

and thus, believing my own bullshit, i teeter between being successful and being dangerous.

i was told, recently, by someone who is most certainly objective, that i am handsome, funny, and smart. a good catch. and through conversations i've had with acquaintances, it's slowly been dawning on me that i do have some pretty unusual (and pretty good) things to offer to a mate.

if i'd believed all that a year ago, i might now be dating the best looking police officer in san mateo county. fortunately it took me a little bit longer to accept those things (in fact, i accepted them only when it no longer gave me any advantage to accept them), and i'm happier than happy at how things managed to turn out, though it does look like that i still ended up a police officer's wife.

this post isn't long enough, so i guess i'll combine it with another one that i've been planning. tragically, that will make this post too long, but what am i sposed to do?

a long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, i was visited by four troubles.

two were physical illnesses unlike any i'd ever experienced. the worst so far in my life.

one was a mental difficulty unlike any i'd ever experienced. the worst so far in my life.

the fourth was loneliness, though at the time i would never have admitted it.

i had two influences in my life at the time. i love this story as i love my life mainly because the second of the influences was at once both goofy and devastatingly effective. the first influence was a coworker. in my mind, he was an archetype. a mythical figure representing everything i wanted to be. he was the gentle giant (think ron perlman in "city of lost children"), the family man, the jack of all trades, the shaman, the spiritual man, the strong man, the ingenious man; and restless.

he taught me how to squat and changed my life forever.

i intend to thank him personally quite soon.

the other influence, the one that sounds so silly but worked so well, was a video game. a role playing video game based on dungeons and dragons (which my father forbade me to play while i lived with him, for fear it would turn me into a baby-eating satan worshipper. no joke). it was called "planescape: torment" and it had the second best plot of any video game i've ever played, and that's saying a lot, because the first best plot (star control II) had set the bar quite high.

the plot was what drew me in and kept me entertained as i weathered the onslaughts of my own four torments.

but the plot was not what changed my life, for that would not be goofy enough. it was not the plot of the game, but the idea inherent in dungeons and dragons, that by gaining experience (in D&D, that's done by killing goblins: not exactly transferable to the "real world") one enhance one's personal attributes (strength, intelligence, charisma, wisdom) and one's skills (lockpicking, swordplay, the lyre ;).

i decided then, in precisely these terms, to enhance my attributes. i decided to start with my "strength" stat, which was dangerously low. my "intelligence" stat was already good enough, and i erroneously decided that my "wisdom" stat was doing well. "charisma" needed lots of work.

so i set out to work on strength and charisma.

since then, 5 or so years ago, i've kept off the 40-50 pounds that i lost, made decent progress in the weightlifting, branched off into running, hiking, skating, biking, and kettlebell lifting. in short, i've increased my "strength" stat.

since then, 5 or so years ago, i've learned to roast coffee, brew beer, appreciate fine spirits, write a short story, dress well, dress poorly, purchase a luxury car, treat other people, socialize, read some hebrew, sail a sailboat, play a little guitar, program in new languages, and tailor my humor to make anybody laugh. in short, i've increased my "charisma" stat.

my D&D inspired self-improvement campaign paid off long before i realized it. long before i began to believe my own bullshit.

but someone who is most definitely not objective said just the other day (paraphrasing) that she was impressed with my breadth. that's when it hit me: i've leveled up.

the old old me is deader than a doornail and people who didn't know me then will probably never understand what he was about, how he gave form to the much happier new (new (new (new))) me. those who were not aware of my four torments may not understand how powerful is my fear of their return, and how powerful is the drive that that fear gives me. when i stop to think honestly about my motivations, i often find that i am acting to protect myself from my ailments of half a decade past, and to protect myself far into the future.

i've done a pretty solid job thus far.

"drive" is something that i'm all about, though it may be something obscured from those who bother to see me. in the past, and in the present, my travels have been in inner space, and rarely boring. such travels are not for everyone, and not so rewarding for all, and are not an "excuse", though these facts seem hard for some to grasp. and while i've always (or at least recently) believed in living as if tomorrow were my last day, at the same time, the idea of life stages appeals to me.

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

that formula is a little backwards in my case, but the pattern of stages that i follow is my own, not dictated by movie or religion. my path is my own, and i'm making it up as i go.

and that brings me back to the original topic: at last i'm starting to believe my own bullshit.

i told her she was a conquest and she laughed. she didn't laugh so much when i provided some evidence: the displays of physical and mental prowess, the charm, the tease, the displays of physical and mental prowess. i didn't realize any of that until post-hoc, and truly it is a misrepresentation, but it happened thus and thus was a classic conquest.

and now that i have conquered, i plan to occupy for quite a long time.

i said above that "conquest" is a misrepresentation, because although the facts support the word, the intentions (the conscious ones, at least) did not. unconsciously, i have no doubt that i knew what i wanted, and i knew how to get it.

when i took the final, conscious, risky step, i found that what i had thought would be a torturous, complex thing could not actually have been simpler. i had conquered myself and though i had not realized it, that done, i could truly inherit the world, if only i deigned to ask.

and so what i set out to do (not) so long ago has come not only to fruition, but to ultimate fruition. emboldened by my easy (!) success with what i thought to be unattainable and what i know to be irreplaceable, surrounded by verbal mirrors, i am at last beginning to believe my own bullshit, that which i laid out in my D+D plan from (not) so long ago. i'm beginning to believe i have charisma.

we shall see whether that makes me successful, or just dangerous.