comparison

i thought about how i've been feeling since last thursday.

it hit me just this evening, while i was on the phone.

the last time i felt similar to this was my first week or three of college. my first time really away from my family. my first time when i was really alone and faced with the realization that i was now On My Own. it hit me hard and i think i may have cried myself to sleep the first night, although i may just be projecting my present girlishness back onto my manly-mansly college self.

but this is worse.

i could have been alone. i was ready to be alone. i can deal with alone better than most.

instead, i am separated. not even the easy separated where we hate each other. no, the much worse kind, the kind where i find out why there's a "mad" in "madly in love". the kind where all i want is for the days until our next encounter to speed on by but everything i do seems only to slow down time.

in college i knew the homesickness would wear off and things would get better.

i hope it never gets any easier for me to be apart from her.